I am not happy with you. I used to be, right up until the point you told me you were throwing me back. You are an expert fisherman: patient, skillful. You reeled me in and whispered that you were a novice. It's all luck, really. I wanted to be your very best catch. I tried to make my scales twinkle in the sunlight. I wanted to make you proud. I did, for a little while.
But then, you frowned. You told me I wasn't the right one. The right one, you said would tug at your line so hard the boat would capsize. The right one for you would be beautiful, her movements graceful. I was just fine, you said, but you could catch better. You told me you were doing me a favor as you flung me back into the sea. I would be happier back in the water, far away from your boat. It's all luck, really. Too bad you caught me.
By the time I broke the surface, my scales were dull. I no longer shined. I looked around, and my sea was unpopulated. No other fishermen were around, the only movement was the gentle wake as you steered your boat away from me.
Now I swim in the seaweed, the day shadowy. I wish I was never brought into the air, where I could touch the sunlight and hear the sound of your boat's gentle rocking.
I've found I've forgotten how to breathe underwater.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Irresponsible Responsibility
The first week of November turned out to be a busy one. My planner overfloweth. It probably did not help matters any that the week started out with some airing out of issues. I had a notion these issues were lurking, but I didn't realize how much potential they had to turn ugly. (Thank goodness they are in relatively early stages.)
All week I felt like something was wrong (I skipped two classes this week. 17 yr old Kaleigh would've flipped out); I just couldn't put a finger on a specific cause. I was talking with my mother and I realized what it was: responsibility. I feel so overwhelmed with responsibility I just want to listen to slow jamz while playing Brick-Breaker in a dark room.
I feel responsible for my relationship with the boy: I finally hit a point where healing has taken a promising turn, but the whole thing still simultaneously hurts and irritates. I get frustrated with the fact that I get to take on the task of moving on, as I seem to be the only one affected. I feel jealous of other people, even ones who are my friends, and I feel like if I were to call Corps Escorts, they would send fish johnson out after me. Yes, that last part is a little dramatic, but I just feel like I was sought after, found to be lacking, then thrown back into the sea. An unpopulated part of the sea.
I feel like I'm doing a mediocre job in school and my job: my drive is gone. I'm actually doing pretty well in my classes, but I'm not putting in the effort I would like. I just do what I have to and go on. Same with RAing. I look at my coworkers and I think, "Wow. I'm the weakest link. Yay." I assisted with RA interviews for spring hiring and that didn't help my feelings of despondency. I observed a group process and thought the entire time that these kids were far better qualified than I...at any rate they were more jazzed about the job than I.
I feel like a crappy friend. There. I said it. My group of friends thinks I'm drifting away when I thought my ship was docked. I was wrapped up in my fog for a long time, and 'fun' just didn't appeal to me. I know for a fact they want the old Kaleigh back. I don't know how to accomplish this. In actuality, it is impossible. I've grown tremendously (for better and for worse) this past year, and I can't just "snap out of it" and go back to how I was before. I feel like I have to rediscover myself and work toward restoring my shattered confidence: naturally those pieces won't fit back together exactly. (This isn't to say I'm a different person or I was not being truthful in who I was this past year. It just means in the battlefield of life and love I was dealt a Boridino-esque blow and I'm having to limp along with dwindling supply lines while reorganizing.)
I just feel like everything is up to me. I know: such is life. I suppose I should invest in a helmet.
All week I felt like something was wrong (I skipped two classes this week. 17 yr old Kaleigh would've flipped out); I just couldn't put a finger on a specific cause. I was talking with my mother and I realized what it was: responsibility. I feel so overwhelmed with responsibility I just want to listen to slow jamz while playing Brick-Breaker in a dark room.
I feel responsible for my relationship with the boy: I finally hit a point where healing has taken a promising turn, but the whole thing still simultaneously hurts and irritates. I get frustrated with the fact that I get to take on the task of moving on, as I seem to be the only one affected. I feel jealous of other people, even ones who are my friends, and I feel like if I were to call Corps Escorts, they would send fish johnson out after me. Yes, that last part is a little dramatic, but I just feel like I was sought after, found to be lacking, then thrown back into the sea. An unpopulated part of the sea.
I feel like I'm doing a mediocre job in school and my job: my drive is gone. I'm actually doing pretty well in my classes, but I'm not putting in the effort I would like. I just do what I have to and go on. Same with RAing. I look at my coworkers and I think, "Wow. I'm the weakest link. Yay." I assisted with RA interviews for spring hiring and that didn't help my feelings of despondency. I observed a group process and thought the entire time that these kids were far better qualified than I...at any rate they were more jazzed about the job than I.
I feel like a crappy friend. There. I said it. My group of friends thinks I'm drifting away when I thought my ship was docked. I was wrapped up in my fog for a long time, and 'fun' just didn't appeal to me. I know for a fact they want the old Kaleigh back. I don't know how to accomplish this. In actuality, it is impossible. I've grown tremendously (for better and for worse) this past year, and I can't just "snap out of it" and go back to how I was before. I feel like I have to rediscover myself and work toward restoring my shattered confidence: naturally those pieces won't fit back together exactly. (This isn't to say I'm a different person or I was not being truthful in who I was this past year. It just means in the battlefield of life and love I was dealt a Boridino-esque blow and I'm having to limp along with dwindling supply lines while reorganizing.)
I just feel like everything is up to me. I know: such is life. I suppose I should invest in a helmet.
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