Irresponsible Responsibility

The first week of November turned out to be a busy one. My planner overfloweth. It probably did not help matters any that the week started out with some airing out of issues. I had a notion these issues were lurking, but I didn't realize how much potential they had to turn ugly. (Thank goodness they are in relatively early stages.)
All week I felt like something was wrong (I skipped two classes this week. 17 yr old Kaleigh would've flipped out); I just couldn't put a finger on a specific cause. I was talking with my mother and I realized what it was: responsibility. I feel so overwhelmed with responsibility I just want to listen to slow jamz while playing Brick-Breaker in a dark room.

I feel responsible for my relationship with the boy: I finally hit a point where healing has taken a promising turn, but the whole thing still simultaneously hurts and irritates. I get frustrated with the fact that I get to take on the task of moving on, as I seem to be the only one affected. I feel jealous of other people, even ones who are my friends, and I feel like if I were to call Corps Escorts, they would send fish johnson out after me. Yes, that last part is a little dramatic, but I just feel like I was sought after, found to be lacking, then thrown back into the sea. An unpopulated part of the sea.

I feel like I'm doing a mediocre job in school and my job: my drive is gone. I'm actually doing pretty well in my classes, but I'm not putting in the effort I would like. I just do what I have to and go on. Same with RAing. I look at my coworkers and I think, "Wow. I'm the weakest link. Yay." I assisted with RA interviews for spring hiring and that didn't help my feelings of despondency. I observed a group process and thought the entire time that these kids were far better qualified than I...at any rate they were more jazzed about the job than I.

I feel like a crappy friend. There. I said it. My group of friends thinks I'm drifting away when I thought my ship was docked. I was wrapped up in my fog for a long time, and 'fun' just didn't appeal to me. I know for a fact they want the old Kaleigh back. I don't know how to accomplish this. In actuality, it is impossible. I've grown tremendously (for better and for worse) this past year, and I can't just "snap out of it" and go back to how I was before. I feel like I have to rediscover myself and work toward restoring my shattered confidence: naturally those pieces won't fit back together exactly. (This isn't to say I'm a different person or I was not being truthful in who I was this past year. It just means in the battlefield of life and love I was dealt a Boridino-esque blow and I'm having to limp along with dwindling supply lines while reorganizing.)

I just feel like everything is up to me. I know: such is life. I suppose I should invest in a helmet.