(I am writing this at 3:00 in the morning. This is due to the three Dr Pepper's I had at the IHOP.)
For a while, I've been on edge. I've felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin and I wasn't sure why. An icky paranoia settled heavily around me, and I didn't know what to do. I began to despair some, because I thought (key word: I) that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. A couple of weeks ago, I felt a quiet tug telling me, "Kaleigh, it's alright. I'm holding you. Trust Me. I orchestrated all this for a Good Purpose...now step outside of the cave." Like Elijah in his cave, I was at first reluctant. I wrapped my cloak around my head and stood at the mouth of the cave, unsure: I looked at the picture sitting on my desk, taken during one of the most enchanting times of my life. I saw my face next to his and was afraid. "Then a voice said to him, 'What are you doing here, Elijah?'...Then the Lord said to him, 'Go...'" (1 Kings 19:13,15) I decided to Go. The only problem was, I knew I was supposed to Go, but I didn't want to take the road back the way I had come. "Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus." (verse 15) You see, in my impatience I thought I could hurry the Lord up. So, I starting chasing after things not ordained for me. We all know what this leads to, if you are unaware, allow me give you a hint: heartache, nothin' but heartache. I said, "Okay: I need affirmation. I want to feel special. I want to sparkle like I did with B, how 'bout it Lord?" Instead of heeding His call to go back the way I came, back to the beginning where He would restore me and walk with me, I decided to keep going down the road that had not yet been cleared for me. Naturally, I became stuck in the vines: where uncertainty sapped my confidence, jealousy reared its ugly head, and worry swept over my soul. I began to behave in a way I didn't like: little things sparked into huge fires, my tongue became sharp and unkind. I could see all of this occurring and I was convicted. Sadly, I am a foolish little sheep and tried to ignore Him. I kept going deeper.
Thankfully, the Lord uses a staff in addition to a rod. I went with some dear friends to IHOP, a place I vowed I would never set foot into again (because of B), and I listened to a young man tell me words I needed to hear: that I am worth something and that I can't force the Lord's hand on anything. I listened to two young women tell me that I am loved and B and I's time had a very special and Good Purpose. Slightly ashamed of myself, but mostly encouraged, I let the Lord lower His staff down and set me back at the mouth of the cave. This time, I'm going to go back the way I came. There will be times when those deprecating thoughts will arise and times when my impatience will make me want to turn and try and hack down the vines myself. However, I know that if I allow the Lord to revive me, unimaginable works will come about, works so wondrous I will have no choice but to fall to my knees in awe of Him.
My dear friends, it is no use to try and make the Lord hip to your ideas: He is much too big and His plans are much more incredible that ones we would conjure. The Lord was not in the wind, nor in the earthquake, nor the fire. He was in the gentle whisper. I am thankful that the Lord is merciful enough to speak in a gentle whisper, for if He showed accorded justice, He would speak in ways much more terrible. Despite my presumptuous ways, He speaks words of love.
I've come out of the cave and I will go to the Desert, where He will restore me and where I will proclaim His good news to the brokenhearted. (Isaiah 61) He will revive, each and every one of us, if we step outside our caves and Go.
All glory and praise to the God of all grace, Who hast brought us, and sought us, and guided our ways. Hallelujah! Thine the glory. Hallelujah! Amen. Hallelujah! Thine the glory: revive us again.
